Satire: WASP Wear
By Ella Seltzer
The WASPs are the hallmark of New England/east coast “culture.” For those of you who have never heard of this acronym before, WASP is short for White Anglo-Saxon Protestant. What is a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant, you may ask? Think of every frat boy, preppy, white, privileged east coaster: that’s your typical WASP. Now, ladies, you are most definitely not excluded from this description because your WASP fashion is just as bad. If you’re reading this thinking that I might be talking about you, chances are I am. Please enjoy my breakdown of the worst genre of fashion.
WASP Women: if you’ve seen joke posts on Twitter about “Christian Girl Autumn,” you were probably looking at a perfect WASP. The ideal outfit for your summer barbeque on the Cape, or whatever WASP event you’re going to, must consist of pastels, embroidery, and some sort of simple pattern. I don’t know how this started, but the synonymous relationship of embroidery and monograms doesn’t cut it for me. It must be the ego boost of having your own name sewn into every article of clothing, but it makes me think that these are adults who can’t remember their own name or initials and need that pastel thread reminder. One great thing about the WASPs is that their clothing is very non-gendered: you can see everyone donning their Bermuda shorts and polo shirts, changing the color to match the season. The Bermuda short is the Swiss Army Knife of the WASP community. However, even better than the Bermudas are capri pants, every WASP mom’s go-to. Capris have such a perfect way of easily defining the age of the wearer to be at least 55 and up. As for the brands of the WASP women, anything from Lilly Pulitzer, Vineyard Vines, and L.L. Bean will probably have you looking all set and monogramed for the WASPiest of events.
WASP Men: the worst of the worst for preppy garbage clothing that’ll make you quake in your Sperrys. To start, one must have the trifecta: polo shirt, embroidered Bermudas, Sperrys to truly capture the WASP essence. Now, the types of these items can vary because no one wants their prep style be boring! The best way to change up these outfits is with a wide (pastel) color palette and some fun embroidery for your shorts. The WASP classic, Vineyard Vines, specializes in changing up their Bermuda styles for some fun patterns, detailed embroidery, and of course, their signature whale decals. Nothing stands out as more indisputably WASP than the popped collar of a polo shirt. With the more shirts stacked, the more WASP points you accrue. As for shoes, even though the Sperrys are a classic, a good pair of whale-print flip-flops from Vineyard Vines is a close second to complete the WASP-ness of any outfit.